Single Ladies.

Two days ago my coworker told me I should audition for The Bachelor Canada.

“Hah!” I replied, “What an outrageous idea!”

A few seconds later I was on www.bachelorcanada.ca, looking up the application process. And wouldn’t you know it, they just happened to be touring the country for an open casting call and the Toronto stop just happened to be this weekend. My coworker hadn’t known about this when she made the suggestion. Kismet!

Even more kismet – earlier that same day I had been out shopping and saw the most amazing dress at Urban Outfitters. I didn’t buy it because I had no occasion to wear it to, but now I did, since applicants were instructed to “Dress to impress! This could be the biggest blind date of your life.” Bachelor Canada open casting here I come!

I filled out the questionnaire and tried my best to show the producers why I’d be the perfect candidate.

And today, at 2 pm, despite the snowstorm and the -4 weather, I ventured out in heels and made my way to the Grand Hotel & Suites, where destiny was waiting for me.

I don’t know why but I was shaking as I approached the registration desk. There was more paperwork to sign and as I was Instagramming the following picture:

I overhead the girls next to me say “Goals in life, how should I answer that? To be happy and fulfilled and to give grandchildren to my parents!” Uh oh. I had answered that question with “To edit Beyonce music videos.”

After the paperwork round I was ushered into a conference room where about 20 girls and women were waiting to be interviewed. “Dress to impress!” was obviously not a universal statement. Some women went super casual in jeans, camp socks and toques, while other women wore satin-y cocktail dresses from Le Chateau. There were club skanks and Aritzia princesses, there were Barbies and Gap girl-next-doors. There were, however, no other Asians in the room, so I knew my chances of being cast as “Token Asian” were definitely high.

Pictures weren’t allowed so I tried to be sneaky.

The show was also auditioning for The Bachelor himself, that one lucky dude who would have 25 women vying for his affection. So I realized that somewhere in the hotel was a conference room full of eligible men…only where the fuck was it??? I tried to wander around discreetly but all I found was a bar mitzfah and some business function. Damnit.

I was called for my interview half an hour later and I’m pretty sure I nailed it. Well actually…now that I’m playing it back in my mind…I might not have nailed it buuut I did pretty good. Or…ok…let’s be honest I bombed horribly. I didn’t know that the interview would be taped and as soon as the camera started rolling my nerves took over and all I could spout was gibberish. I talked too quickly and even in the moment I knew that whoever had to edit my audition would hate me. One question was “What would your dream date be?” and I answered “My dream date would be Ryan Gosling! OMG have many people been saying Ryan Gosling too?” The interviewer replied “No one has said Ryan Gosling! Most people chose Paris or London…which is the kind of ‘date’ we were actually asking about…” Fuck!

I did however make the interviewer and camera guy laugh a lot, and was told twice that my dress was amazing. Whatevs, The Bachelor Canada! I don’t need you!

*cries and heaves uncontrollably*

Oh sorry, you’re still reading. Overall it was a fun experience, even though I’m not going to get a callback. Also, The Amazing Race Canada should be casting soon so….