I went to a psychic the other night on a whim (which is to say, I was drunk).
Psychic Sonya has been across the street from my apartment for 5 years, and I’ve always been curious about whether or not she was real or just some kind of front for embezzling drug money. So the other night I thought, “Why not go to Psychic Sonya? What’s keeping me from doing it anyways – common sense and rationality? FUCK IT I’MMA GO.”
But also, right now I’m dealing with an OMG-I’M-30 crisis, where I’ve been looking back at my life and wondering what, if anything, I’ve accomplished so far. Am I where I’m supposed to be at this age? Have I made the right decisions? What’s-the-meaning-of-my-life-what’s-in-store-for-the-future-and-STFU-FACEBOOK-UPDATES-ABOUT-ENGAGEMENTS-AND-WEDDINGS-AND-BABIES. Obviously the only way to deal with this crisis was to see a psychic.
Psychic Sonya’s name was actually Anna, and Psychic Anna (in a thick eastern European accent) told me I could ask her one question before she laid out the tarot cards. I was torn between asking about love or career, sources of anxiety for pretty much everyone. Since my job is fairly stable, I went with love – would I find a steady boyfriend in the near future, someone I would fall in love with? Anna replied with an incredulous “A good looking girl like you?? What!?” After that I was sold and believed everything she told me.
The cards revealed that I should be more outgoing if I wanted to meet my soul mate – I needed to go to more events, parties and “dances.” Yes, Psychic Anna specifically said “dances.” Is my soul mate still in high school?? No, apparently he’s a 33-35 year old businessman, and a foreigner. We’re going to have cats, dogs and two kids. (My soul mate must also be a cat person then, because I totally wouldn’t be the one to get a cat.)
Psychic Anna also said that I had jealous friends and that I should watch my back, but I shouldn’t worry because in my past life I was a ruler in Cairo or perhaps of my own island; she pointed to The Emperor tarot card, depicting a man sitting regally on a throne. If I work hard enough at my career, I will eventually rise to my past-life status and do great things, which I interpreted as OMG ONE DAY I’M GOING TO EDIT BEYONCE MUSIC VIDEOS OMG.
Psychics are the best!! I came away from Psychic Anna feeling much more at ease with my life – one day I’m going to sit on a motherfucking throne! But 2 nights later, I made the mistake of seeing another psychic and things took a turn for the worst.
(Reader: HOLD UP – YOU WENT TO ANOTHER PSYCHIC 2 NIGHTS LATER? OH GIRRRRL!)
Yup. I told my friend about my tarot reading and she immediately wanted to see a psychic as well. So we found one on Yelp, because we thought it best to try someone different instead of going back to Psychic Sonya/Anna. Yelp yielded Psychic Grace, located above a bar in Little Italy and boy did her place look legit.
A mother and daughter team did the readings separately and I ended up with the mother; since she never gave me her name I will simply refer to her as Psychic Mama.
Since I had previously asked about love, this time I decided to go with a “soul purpose” reading, which was more work related and as its name suggested it would reveal the purpose of my life. Psychic Mama told me much of what Psychic Anna had told me, that I have jealous friends and that I should watch my back. But then she threw me a curve ball – I should watch my back BECAUSE I’VE BEEN HEXED BY TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE CREATING AN AURA OF BAD LUCK AROUND ME.
“What do you mean by ‘hexed’?” I asked. “Like, these people are affecting me because of the negativity they exude?”
“No,” Psychic Mama responded. “You’ve been targeted. A man and a woman have put a hex on you and for this reason nothing in your life ever goes well.”
SHIT! How am I supposed to deal with BEING HEXED? Well, Psychic Mama had a solution – for a mere $300 she would lift the hex with a prayer ritual and I could finally live the good life that I was meant to be living. $300??? Nope, shut it down.
Though raised Catholic I haven’t been religious for a long time, and I’m not even that spiritual, but I do think astrology is interesting and I wonder about things like tarot cards and reiki and auras. And between the 2 psychics that I visited, both were accurate enough about certain things that I still partially believe in what I experienced…
But most psychics are just mentalists, right? They acutely observe body language and other physical cues to construct “predictions.” So now I feel like I need to go to a mentalist, to find out what a “psychic” would tell me based on a cold reading of observations. Unfortunately I only know of one mentalist, and he probably won’t answer my calls.
$60 and two psychic readings later and I’m in the same spot as where I started. Worried about turning 30, worried about the future, wondering what I could be doing better. Maybe, just maybe, I need to see one more psychic before reaching an epiphany…right? Third time’s the charm.