Tinder Surprise.

I am not above telling people that I downloaded Tinder, a dating & hook up app similar to Grindr but for straight people.  According to its official website, “Tinder finds out who likes you nearby and connects you if you’re both interested.  Download for iPhone or Android.”

Initially it was really exciting; scrolling through pictures of dudes within 15 miles of my location was a fun way to kill time.  Where else but on Tinder would I meet a handsome man like Jesse?

Since Jesse was hot, I tapped on the green heart to indicate that I was interested in him.  But then Thad came along, who was sooo unattractive.  With Thad I tapped on the red X, to indicate that I thought he was ugly.  Not interested bro.

Tinder then notifies you if you have a match – that is, when both you and a guy tap the green heart for each other.  You can start messaging through the app but it’s up to you to carry on from there, whether you want to meet up in person or not.

I am not above telling people that I’ve messaged a few guys on Tinder and that I almost met up with someone.  Most messages don’t go beyond the following –

Guy: hey sexy. sup?

Me: nothin, u?

Guy: same, nothin. ur cute

But one guy, I’ll call him “Jim,” seemed really funny.  We exchanged numbers and texted each other outside of Tinder for about an hour.  He was cute, co-owned a family business and made me laugh, and suddenly I found myself thinking “Wow! I can see myself dating this guy!”  Eventually he asked me out and we planned for dinner on Saturday along with a walk around the harbourfront.  Wow!  What an easy way for me to get dates!

Jim: I’ll pick you up at 6

Me: Wait what?

Jim: In my car

Me: Wow! You have a car, how cool is that!

Jim: Where do you live?

And then it hit me – DID I JUST AGREE TO GET INTO A RANDOM STRANGER’S CAR?  WAS I ABOUT TO GIVE A RANDOM STRANGER MY ADDRESS?  Hell no!  I’ve watched enough Law & Order: SVU to figure out where this was going!  So I convinced Jim that we should just meet at the restaurant, and the next day he cancelled the date with some kind of lame excuse.  I totally dodged a bullet there.

After that I stopped messaging people on Tinder but continued to scroll through pictures.

Archie had the smallest nipples I’d ever seen, Cordell was clearly AC Slater circa 1992 and I was hoping Antonio would offer me tickets to the gun show.

AUSTIN DO YOU EVER WEAR SHIRTS?  And more importantly, I hope you’re wearing pants.

The funny thing is that Tinder is linked to Facebook, which means that the pictures these dudes have on their Tinder profiles are also on their Facebook profiles.  Don’t any of these dudes’ friends tell them that it’s weird to take so many shirtless selfies??  Come on!

Eventually I ended up deleting Tinder, because it became a mind-numbing sea of abs and underpants.  Real life is probably a better place to find a man anyways, instead of randomly through an app my phone.